Jokes, and other random nonsense

[wtscott]

SERVICE = It's the act of doing things for other people.

I then heard these terms which reference the word "service:"

Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
T.V. Service
Civil "Service"
City & County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
And "Service" Stations

After that, I became confused about the word "service." This is not what
I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those
"service" agencies are doing to us.

[wtscott]

Oh my...


Pontiac g8 Sport Truck??


I think I just threw up a little,

[James]

Ford Lighting Owners should be scared!!!

The Gen IV 6.0-liter V8 under the G8's hood is rated at 361-horsepower / 385 lb-ft of torque. It's paired with a 6-speed automatic transmission only. Unlike our Aussie cousins, American ute enthusiasts won't be able to order their V8 with a manual gearbox.

Pontiac says the 6.0L V8 will propel the G8 from 0-to-60 in 5.4-seconds, which should make it the fastest production pickup on the planet when it arrives. Only the discontinued GMC Syclone and Dodge Ram SRT-10 pickups have been clocked faster, at 4.6-seconds and 5.2-seconds, respectively.

[wtscott]

I just thought this was funny.

[wtscott]

[wtscott]

[wtscott]

Best Christmas story ever.

[wtscott]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.

[SCOREBOY247]

I always wanted to do this


http://funnyvideos.todaysbigthing.com/2010/08/02

[wtscott]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch
yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled
it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the
alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

[wtscott]

Colonoscopy Journal


For all of you who haven't had the "pleasure" .......yet! A must
read!!!!






ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis .




Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S
GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter
is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a
hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend
for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.




On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but
these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician
claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'